When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
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My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I only treason on days ending in y
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash