Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
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No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO