Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
You Might Also Like
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Me irl
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.