I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
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Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.