u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
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Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Welcome
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up