Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
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me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
…..pretty much.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”