The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
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Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
what
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Forever 21… pounds overweight
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…