[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
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Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?