Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
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Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]