Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
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“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Essential oils? You mean WD40?