My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
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If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
#TopTip
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.