“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
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I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Note to self: always read the final line
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
got so much cardio in today
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture