Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
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“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
wishing you and yours all the best
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*