I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
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“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Husband of the year 😂
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.