Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
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Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.