The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
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in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.