I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
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“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
The honesty is refreshing
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.