Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
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Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷