I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
The “research” scene in every horror movie
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it