[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
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Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…