Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
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My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi