If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
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Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something