*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Fries, not lies.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
What’s a Messi?
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Meanwhile in Portland…
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.