The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
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Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Me My dog
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?