Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
You Might Also Like
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
best first i’ve ever seen
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.