Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
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Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing