If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
You Might Also Like
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I don’t make the rules sorry
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
How dude HOW?!
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]