A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
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I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*