Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
You Might Also Like
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
me, too, girl. me, too.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Ah..makes sense now
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”