Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
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the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No