Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
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juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
The Assassin.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps