Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
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Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Sounds like a bargain
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?