I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
You Might Also Like
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST