Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
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Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”