Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
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me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.