When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
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[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Moms. The original autocorrect.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.