[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
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Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.