Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
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[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*