Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
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I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Finally, a door that understands me
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby: