Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
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Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.