Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
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Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
this has to be peak English
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
…u ok Nintendo?
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.