Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
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Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Living the best life.. 馃槉
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let鈥檚 do a silly one
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 馃檹
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there鈥檚 the ice cream, but also the social
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it鈥檚 a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there鈥檚 a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
He is just living hist best little life 馃槉