theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
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*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!