Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
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Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Big Sex has us all fooled
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.