We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
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Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains