1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
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“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope