Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
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[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates