Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
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Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.