If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
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You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
The Others (2001)
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I hate my earbuds.