Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
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My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no